I wrote this over a year ago--it's amazing to see how far I've come. 

June 14, 2012

To be too spontaneous is not a good thing at all, but more of a curse. Especially mine—after all the title of this book is Slow Down, isn’t it? I have more than one curse bestowed upon me though. My family always told me I was “13 going on 30”—all I wanted to do was grow up faster. Now I’m all grown up and I hate it. I can’t act my age. I can’t be responsible. I’ve broken three leases since I’ve been 18 now. I’ve been absolutely penniless accept for the loans I’ve taken out for school. I have no license, no money, nothing. As usual. I mean yes, on the bright side I’m on the Dean’s List, but that’s only because I’ve picked up an Adderall addiction. I’m 21 now and still haven’t bought myself a single drink, not even a beer! Because I haven’t had any money. I seduce people into doing things for me, and I always get my way. I’ve completely fucked over my aunt by having her cosign for me, and then not paying rent. I seduced her into doing what I wanted. I fucked over my father by convincing him into giving me thousands of dollars for rent, school, food, living expenses. I’ve borrowed money from Matt Farmer (who harassed me to pay him back for months), Jack Swagger (whatever his real name is), and Steven. Mariza, Steven, and Jaime (my closet friends) pay for nearly everything I do. This is exactly what I do to my mom my whole life and what I vowed I wouldn’t do to anyone anymore, and here I am! It’s my fucking lifestyle! And now I’m trying to run away to Georgia, telling myself I’ll change (but secretly hoping some dreamy billionaire sweeps me off my feet and solves all my problem for me), but at the same time I’m so scared to leave ASU. I know everyone! Everywhere I go I see everyone I know! All of my friends always gasp “Gosh Lauren who don’t you know?!” as we make our way through a crowded bar and I get tugged and hugged and yanked everywhere, and I just wait for the words –“Would you like some shots?” and I smile knowingly to whoever I’m with, thinking to myself ‘Hmm I may have no money to pay you back for everything you’ve done for me, but I can introduce you to some cute guys who will buy us whatever we want all night.’ And ASU is such a big school, that I can use up and throw away as many people as I want, I’ll always find more. I don’t want to do this anymore. I want to wake up in the morning, be able to buy myself a cup of coffee. I want to cook again, write again, watch good movies again. The only reason I’m even writing right now is because I ran away to my dads, I’m bored out of my mind, and I have SO much on my mind. I want to start a savings account, I want to exercise, be successful, land an internship, be a writer! But I don’t want to be bored. I don’t want to be like Sara going to bed at 10 on a Friday and eating my sorrows away. I still want to have fun. Can’t I have both? Isn’t there a way? I’m in debt $1000 to my current complex, I fall in love with a new boy every weekend, I’m a total fucking disaster. But then again, whats new? It’s probably not best to run away to Georgia, seems like running away never does much more me anyways, I just dig a new hole, just as deep, in a different location. I just need to get my fucking shit together. People love me, I can do this. I just have to learn to love and rely on myself.

9/6/2013

I never went to Georgia--I got too drunk the night before and missed my flight. And instead I found help for my bipolar and the two loves of my life. I've learned I can rely on myself more than anyone, and truly believe I've become a good person.