"Disappearing on Seroquel"

I stole the title... 

From an article I read that I really related too. I found this article this past week. This past week I have not gone into work once because I can't get out of bed in the morning. I even made an emergency appointment with my psychiatrist but overslept and missed the appointment. I've spent the entire week obsessively researching bipolar on the internet.

I realize that I need to be on meds. But I haven't had any luck yet finding "my cocktail." Well at least I hope I haven't yet-- I hope that exists. After a horrid depressive episode last winter, I decided to start going to a pdoc. She put me on lamictal and a few weeks later I swallowed the entire contents of the bottle during a drunken rage and ended up in the hospital. I stayed away from the pdoc and bipolar meds for a few months, and was fine, until a mixed episode hit me this summer. My episodes always tend to come during the same time of the year. She put me on 500mg Seroquel and now I have lost all my motivation. I can't get out of bed, I can't stop crying. She put me on Wellbutin 75mg for energy too, but I feel none of it.

I know I'm probably crazy for saying this--but honestly all I want is adderall. I know it works for me. I've been taking it for years and it really helps with things. She's afraid it'll make me manic, but when I take adderall I go to the library and do homework, or I clean the house-- I don't go binge drink and spend all my money.  I've been trying for nine months now and she just refuses. And also she's the only psychiatrist at my school, and because my insurance is through the university, I can only go to her.

I don't have the feeling that "I'm losing my mind" anymore... but I can't get out of bed either. It's like I have absolutely 0% motivation for anything... even my job that I love more than anything, or my favorite classes. I love that it puts me to sleep at night but hate that I can't wake up in the mornings. I've been obsessively reading hundreds forums for days now about bipolar and seroquel and I keep finding the same...

"I was calm, but inwardly dead. The capacity for compassion, love, enthusiasm, or real joy diminished to the point of nothingness. Yet I wasn’t depressed anymore. I had become a zombie." 

http://www.bipolarbarebook.com/disappearing-on-seroquel/

Part of me wants to just go back to self-medicating with adderall and xanax. I get my shit done during the day, I get good grades, I always go to work, I'm fit (seroquel has added a solid 15 pounds that WON'T budge. I've been working out, dieting, juicing, diet pills--the scale hasn't budged) and then I take a xanax when I get home, make dinner, go to bed, and repeat.

I can't keep doing this. My head hurts, my body feels old and sore. All I want to do is sleep. What's the point of taking these meds if they reduce your desire to live? Breathing isn't being--there's much more to living. I feel like seroquel takes these things away from me. It leaves me like a shell of my former self-- I sort of look the same plus 15 pounds but I'm a completely different person. 

I've fucked up my life so much already (collections call 10 times a day, I've ruined my credit, have a felony warrant worth over $1000, no driver license, no money) I can't afford to NOT be productive. Honestly, I'd rather just die than keep sleeping my life away. I just don't know what to do anymore.