The Medicated Life

My morning begins with my alarm clock chiming at 8:15--

Although I never remember it going off.

I can't hear it and I instinctively silence it. 

I am in a trance--it is called Seroquel

Around 10 or 11 I come to consciousness.

Sometimes it's one of the many alarms I set,

Most times it's because my dog Kali is taking up the entire bottom portion of the bed.

Still in a trance, I stumble into the bathroom and start the water.

Sometimes a bath, sometimes a shower--it just depends.

I then go and search for a glass of water and my adderall prescription.

I break one of the small orange circles in half, pop it in my mouth, and swallow it with thick morning spit. Sometimes it'll leave a bittersweet aftertaste in my throat.

I zombie walk back to the bathroom, find a towel and lay it in front of the bathtub.

Sometimes, I'll have my dirty old pillow, coverless and endlessly stained, and I'll scrunch it up into a ball and fall fast asleep on the towel, listening to the sound of water.

Sometimes, I'll bunch together some dirty clothes and makeshift a pillow with that.

Sometimes, I'll cover myself with my robe or a clean towel.

Sometimes, I'll sleep for hours--or at least until Waleed wakes up.

Sometimes I'll sit in the steamy bathroom and smoke a cigarette.

I've had this habit for at least the past seven years.

Sometimes I'll actually bath or shower.

Sometimes I'll shut off the water and force myself to wake up, wash my face, brush my teeth, and start my day.

I know it's weird but itt's my most relaxed time. Listening to the rush of the water, 

lying on the cold, hard surface.

I usually don't even realize I'm doing it until I'm already there.

If I have work, I'm out of the shower by 11:15 and in front of my mirror putting on my make-up or blow drying my hair. These past few months have been the first time since fifth grade that I actually wake up and wash my hair and style it in the mornings.

I've found that I feel more confident when I go to work and school in a fashionable outfit with my make-up and hair done. I feel more professional.

Lately, for the first time in my life, I am finding myself to be shy.

When I speak up in class my voice is small and shakes as if I were shivering.

I can't find the right words. I can't remember the end of the quote, or the man's last name.

I stumble and shake some more and smile and slide away.

Maybe this is because I'm becoming more of a writer.

I can perfectly say my words through writing. I can perfect my voice and my structure and my content. I can leave it, and come back to it, and change it a million times.

I'm not put on the spot.

After a few hours of sitting in front of my computer, I go to drop off the mail. I always stop by the local coffee shop, iced black coffee to go. They make coffee ice cubes so your coffee doesn't get watered down. Any coffee drinker in Arizona can appreciate this.

It gets me wired. I start feeling more awake, more talkative. Time flies, and I always seem to leave early (and come in late), 4:30-ish I leave and walk through the back garden to the parking lot where Waleed is waiting for me.

The first thing we do when we get home is take Kali out of her crate. She lovingly greets us and then rolls on her back, and I scratch her belly.

Waleed sits at the table, "Lobitty, what time is it?"

I look up at him, "Joint time!"

Lite a cigg. Pop the other half of the addy.

Chainsmoke. Cigarettes and joints. Stare at your computer screen. Facebook. Gmail. MyASU. Canvas. Spanish. Stumbleupon. Pinterest. Facebook. Chainsmoke.

Finally, get some homework done.

"Baby, can I have a bar?" 

I'm already in the bedroom, popping open the purple bottle.

"Sure baby"

"Love you"

He smiles, "Love you more baby"

And then I write. I love writing on xanax.

Although, I am not on xanax right now and I am writing.

We grab pillows and cuddle up on the couch. We watch American Horror Story or CNN or Game of Thrones or some random movie. We eat, we smoke, we hold hands. 

I wash my face and brush my teeth and plug in my phone and kiss Waleed.

I take my seroquel. I drift off and then wake up and stumble to the kitchen.

I eat everything in sight. Sometimes I try to make something.

Sometimes I get so dizzy that I have to sit on the floor and close my eyes.

I eat more and stumble to bed. 

I put one pillow under my head and I squeeze another pillow between my legs and I fall into a heavy sedation, a trance, for the next twelve hours. Until I take another adderall and do it all over again.

(to be continued...)