I read an article today that stated: "It's pretty obvious that chivalry is completely dead"
http://elitedaily.com/dating/sex/why-chivalry-is-dead-from-a-mans-perspective/
Someone had posted it on facebook, and it attracted a slew of comments--some agreed, others didn't, others argued it all came down to money and that women should "approach men first" and "pay for men" before we expect to be treated as an equal in the workplace...
Yet, none stated the obvious. Chivalry isn't dead... our belief in chivalry is dead.
Albert Einstein once said that "perceptions create reality" and they most certainly do. When we convince ourselves that it's okay for a man to invite us to a bar instead of dinner, that it's normal when he pays more attention to other women than to us, that we shouldn't expect him to open the door for us, or give us a hand when walking down steps, but instead we should expect 3 am text messages and infidelity...
Instead of demanding respect we have lowered our standards to the bare minimal.
And we're okay with it.
For the longest time, I would juggle men, trying to prove that women could do it too...
We could sleep around and not have feelings and be as casual as men could.
I would proudly say: "Don't mistake my affection for attachment" yet, I wasn't doing anything to be proud of. I idolized Samantha from Sex in the City, but the reality is that by acting disrespectful towards men, I was making it just that much more okay for men to act disrespectful towards women. That my perceptions--that chivalry was dead--had begun to create my reality. Not only did I fail to meet any men worth dating, but I wasn't worth dating either. The men that I had relations with would lie to me, and I'd lie to them, then they'd sleep with others girls, so I'd sleep with other guys. We never vocalized any of it though.. this was all just "casual."
And then I met Waleed.
To be chivalrous is to "show respect and politeness, especially towards women."
We started as friends-- he was casually hooking up with a friend of mine, and I was casually hooking up with a number of guys. Waleed would pick me up in the mornings, from whomevers house I had slept at, and we would go to lunch and gossip about the men in my life. He'd ask me a million questions about my life and would always insist on paying for my meal. He was genuine and caring towards everyone in his life, not just me. Once he discovered my love of cooking, he didn't take me on dates to nice restaurants, he took me to Walmart to buy groceries to cook us dinner. He found me during a time that I was deeply depressed--death was much more appealing than life, and he made life appealing again. I'd sleep all day, everyday, and he would always come to wake me up. He brought me Christmas dinner on paper plates and forced me to get out of bed and shower. When he discovered my love for wine, he bought a box of it and we sat on my bedroom floor, drinking, playing "never-have-I-ever", and learning each other's secrets. He kissed me that night. I felt confused--what about my friend that was sleeping with him? What about the guys that I was sleeping with? Was he worth losing all of those people in my life? I'd sit quiet for hours, guilt rolling through my mind constantly.
He told me that he wanted to spend New Years with me. We went to a club with our friends--he didn't take his eyes off of me once. He held my hand, kissed me constantly. And then the countdown-- 5, 4, 3, 2, 1-- "Lauren, will you be my girlfriend?"
I didn't say anything. I kissed him, a million thoughts rushed through my mind, I looked at him and I said yes.
Because of my answer, I have now been in my longest and happiest relationship. I have a boyfriend who doesn't have eyes for anyone but me, and who will hold my hand no matter where we are. He opens doors, tells me he loves me a dozen times a day, and always puts my needs before his. Whenever he goes to Circle K he gets me chocolate pretzels because they are my favorite, and he'll stay in on a Friday night with me to do homework. He still insists on paying for most of my meals, but it's okay because more often I'm cooking his. Don't get me wrong, we have had our fair share of problems-- we've called each other plenty of names, gotten into more than a million fights, and some have gotten pretty nasty--but we have learned from them too. I respect the fact that he hates when I get blackout drunk, so I don't anymore. He respects the fact that I hate certain drugs, and doesn't do them. We've learned what bothers each other and what makes each other happy-- and we have a constant effort to make each other happy. My relationship isn't my relationship, it's ours, it's not about me, it's about us. And it's because Waleed taught me to never expect anything less than the best of treatment from men. He showed me that men can be gentle, caring, and loving. He showed me that chivalry is still very much alive, but you must believe in it, expect it, and be chivalrous in your ways as well to receive it.
And in ten years it'll also be my responsibility to teach chivalry to my son if I have one, as well as to teach my daughter to never accept anything less than a chivalrous man, and in turn, she'll never receive anything less than the respect she deserves.
Chivalry is as alive as it ever was, you just have to believe in it.
http://elitedaily.com/dating/sex/why-chivalry-is-dead-from-a-mans-perspective/
Someone had posted it on facebook, and it attracted a slew of comments--some agreed, others didn't, others argued it all came down to money and that women should "approach men first" and "pay for men" before we expect to be treated as an equal in the workplace...
Yet, none stated the obvious. Chivalry isn't dead... our belief in chivalry is dead.
Albert Einstein once said that "perceptions create reality" and they most certainly do. When we convince ourselves that it's okay for a man to invite us to a bar instead of dinner, that it's normal when he pays more attention to other women than to us, that we shouldn't expect him to open the door for us, or give us a hand when walking down steps, but instead we should expect 3 am text messages and infidelity...
Instead of demanding respect we have lowered our standards to the bare minimal.
And we're okay with it.
For the longest time, I would juggle men, trying to prove that women could do it too...
We could sleep around and not have feelings and be as casual as men could.
I would proudly say: "Don't mistake my affection for attachment" yet, I wasn't doing anything to be proud of. I idolized Samantha from Sex in the City, but the reality is that by acting disrespectful towards men, I was making it just that much more okay for men to act disrespectful towards women. That my perceptions--that chivalry was dead--had begun to create my reality. Not only did I fail to meet any men worth dating, but I wasn't worth dating either. The men that I had relations with would lie to me, and I'd lie to them, then they'd sleep with others girls, so I'd sleep with other guys. We never vocalized any of it though.. this was all just "casual."
And then I met Waleed.
To be chivalrous is to "show respect and politeness, especially towards women."
We started as friends-- he was casually hooking up with a friend of mine, and I was casually hooking up with a number of guys. Waleed would pick me up in the mornings, from whomevers house I had slept at, and we would go to lunch and gossip about the men in my life. He'd ask me a million questions about my life and would always insist on paying for my meal. He was genuine and caring towards everyone in his life, not just me. Once he discovered my love of cooking, he didn't take me on dates to nice restaurants, he took me to Walmart to buy groceries to cook us dinner. He found me during a time that I was deeply depressed--death was much more appealing than life, and he made life appealing again. I'd sleep all day, everyday, and he would always come to wake me up. He brought me Christmas dinner on paper plates and forced me to get out of bed and shower. When he discovered my love for wine, he bought a box of it and we sat on my bedroom floor, drinking, playing "never-have-I-ever", and learning each other's secrets. He kissed me that night. I felt confused--what about my friend that was sleeping with him? What about the guys that I was sleeping with? Was he worth losing all of those people in my life? I'd sit quiet for hours, guilt rolling through my mind constantly.
He told me that he wanted to spend New Years with me. We went to a club with our friends--he didn't take his eyes off of me once. He held my hand, kissed me constantly. And then the countdown-- 5, 4, 3, 2, 1-- "Lauren, will you be my girlfriend?"
I didn't say anything. I kissed him, a million thoughts rushed through my mind, I looked at him and I said yes.
Because of my answer, I have now been in my longest and happiest relationship. I have a boyfriend who doesn't have eyes for anyone but me, and who will hold my hand no matter where we are. He opens doors, tells me he loves me a dozen times a day, and always puts my needs before his. Whenever he goes to Circle K he gets me chocolate pretzels because they are my favorite, and he'll stay in on a Friday night with me to do homework. He still insists on paying for most of my meals, but it's okay because more often I'm cooking his. Don't get me wrong, we have had our fair share of problems-- we've called each other plenty of names, gotten into more than a million fights, and some have gotten pretty nasty--but we have learned from them too. I respect the fact that he hates when I get blackout drunk, so I don't anymore. He respects the fact that I hate certain drugs, and doesn't do them. We've learned what bothers each other and what makes each other happy-- and we have a constant effort to make each other happy. My relationship isn't my relationship, it's ours, it's not about me, it's about us. And it's because Waleed taught me to never expect anything less than the best of treatment from men. He showed me that men can be gentle, caring, and loving. He showed me that chivalry is still very much alive, but you must believe in it, expect it, and be chivalrous in your ways as well to receive it.
And in ten years it'll also be my responsibility to teach chivalry to my son if I have one, as well as to teach my daughter to never accept anything less than a chivalrous man, and in turn, she'll never receive anything less than the respect she deserves.
Chivalry is as alive as it ever was, you just have to believe in it.
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